Run, Rebel Read online

  Contents

  PROLOGUE

  ONE: RESTLESSNESS ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 1

  BOUND

  I AM 1

  BURDEN

  CONFUSED

  MY VOICE

  DREAMS

  PREDICTION

  FIRST DAY BACK

  THE ESTATE

  THE GRASS IS GREENER

  OUR SECRET PLACE

  A ROOM WITH A VIEW

  SECRET CORNERS

  ACT COOL

  OPTIONS

  CONCEAL 1

  CONCEAL 2

  CONCEAL 3

  CONCEAL 4

  DAVID

  JUST FRIENDS

  TARA

  I AM 2

  SCHOOL

  GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS

  COOL GIRL 1

  NEW HOME

  COOL GIRL 2

  FAKING IT

  TRUTH

  THE GAME OF SHAME

  MR HISTORY JONES

  HISTORY SYLLABUS

  THE ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION

  ONE WORD

  WHISPERS

  SHEEP

  DOUBLE PE

  MINIBUS POLITICS 1

  RUNNING

  ON THE STARTING BLOCK

  TWO HUNDRED METRES

  ‘IT’

  PRIVILEGE

  THE ESAC

  ALLIE REID

  eiDAD’S WORDS

  NEXT TIME …

  SELFIES

  EYES TALK

  THOUGHTS

  GREEN-EYED MONSTER 1

  GEMMA

  DON’T BE FOOLED

  HANGING BACK

  A RISK

  AUNTIES

  MACKIE D’S

  SPEED TRAINING

  CAUGHT

  THE MAN

  A WARNING

  THREATS

  BEHZTI

  DISHONOUR

  VOMIT

  INSOMNIA

  OPPOSITES

  THINGS I MISS ABOUT RUBY

  LOVE–HATE

  RUBY’S BROKEN PROMISES

  WHAT’S EASIER?

  OVERWHELMED

  RESTRICTIONS

  LONGING FOR BEFORE

  HOMEWORK

  STAGES

  REREADING

  A KNOWING

  MEDITATE

  TWO: DISSATISFACTION ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 2

  OVERWORKED

  RITUAL

  ILLITERACY

  CHAI 1

  CHAI 2

  PROBLEM CHILD

  MUM’S MANTRA

  MY MANTRA

  BIG TALK

  A DAY’S WORK

  PAIN

  MADE IN BRITAIN

  A MIX OF THE TWO

  CHAPTER X

  ANGER

  TRAINERS

  SUNSET

  EGGSHELLS

  MARRIAGE

  JAS

  RUBY’S TRICK 1

  TIYA

  EAVESDROPPING

  RISE

  REBEL

  DAD’S BACK 1

  A WORRY

  CHICKEN

  LETTERS

  MEMORY

  THE BROWN ENVELOPE

  LONGING

  SCARED

  ARGUMENT

  REBELS

  DAYDREAMING

  NIGHT-DREAMING

  MORNING

  HOME GYM

  BREAKFAST

  MORNING ADMIN

  GREEN-EYED MONSTER 2

  NO MORE RISKS

  REGISTRATION

  CAUSE AND EFFECT

  DABBAWALLAS

  DAVID’S FOR LUNCH

  BEENA

  A PRODUCT OF THE ENVIRONMENT …

  SECRET TALKS

  BACK HOME

  CAN’T RELATE

  JOBCENTRE

  NIKAME

  TIRED

  FINAL SESSION

  WARM-UPS

  SUPERGLUE FAILS

  ONE HUNDRED METRES

  TOO TIRED TO RESIST

  SELF-SABOTAGE

  SCHOOL TOILETS

  PRIDE

  MISS SUTTON

  TELL HER

  NOT TALKING

  THE LETTER

  NEW TRAINERS

  THREE: CONTROL ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 3

  A NEW MAN?

  PERFECT

  WAGES

  NEARLY HALF-TERM

  FAKE

  EMPTY GESTURES

  SATURDAYS

  JUBILANT

  IGNORANCE IS BLISS

  DISTRUST

  BOTTLES

  HALF-TERM

  MUM A WOMAN’S LIFE

  A MEMORY

  A WOMAN LIKE ME

  CHILDHOOD

  THE ARRIVAL

  GEMSTONES

  MY HUSBAND

  SPYING

  HELPLESS

  ONE AND ONLY RULE

  MAKING SENSE

  DAD’S NIGHTMARES

  GROWING PAINS

  FIXING A PARENT

  TROUBLED SLEEP

  KEEPING THE DREAM ALIVE

  TELL THEM

  DEEP BREATHS

  HOMEWORK

  NUMB

  NOTHING TO SAY

  THE ART OF REVOLUTION

  WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 1

  WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 2

  WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 3

  STORM

  I’VE GOT MY CROWD

  LIKE FATHER LIKE …

  TARA

  GEMMA

  A VISIT

  HARPREET 1

  CHOOSING LOVE

  A LESSON

  HARPREET 2

  FOUR: MOMENTUM ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 4

  STUDENT-TEACHER

  TEACH ME

  ALLIES

  X MARKS THE SPOT

  THE ANATOMY OF A REBEL

  BUTTERFLIES

  LEAVING THE ESTATE

  THE WEIGHT OF A SECRET

  HISTORY

  TUCK SHOP

  SCHOOL TOILETS

  THE QUIET RUSH

  ALL IN GOOD TIME

  THE FIRST SESSION

  HILLS 1

  HILLS 2

  MINIBUS POLITICS 2

  GIDDY

  RESTRICTIONS

  SITTING IN MY ROOM

  DISGUISE

  NO FEAR

  FIVE: HONEYMOON ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 5

  MUM’S HOME

  DAD’S BACK 2

  BECOMING LITERATE

  LESSONS

  FIRST WORDS

  HOPEFUL

  LIFE

  GAMES

  EQUATIONS

  WHAT WOULD HE EVER SEE IN ME?

  TRAINING

  HIGH SPIRITS

  PANIC 1

  PANIC 2

  PANIC 3

  DISTANCE 1

  DISTANCE 2

  ANXIETY 1

  RUBY’S TRICK 2

  RUBY FAILED ATTEMPT

  X, Y AND Z

  AMBER

  TIYA

  JAS

  THEY SAY

  CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS

  HOMEWORK

  LESSONS CONTINUE

  SIX: TERROR ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 6

  DAD’S BACK 3

  THE ARGUMENT

  THE FIGHT

  THE TRIGGER

  HOSPITAL

  HOME FROM HOSPITAL

  OUR CHRISTMAS

  HOLIDAY TRAINING

  THE BIG CHRISTMAS SHOP

  PROGRESS

  CHRISTMAS DAY

  SECRET STASH

  SUNDAYS

  AUNTIES AT THE TEMPLE

  RESPECT

  WRITING

  NEW YEAR

  THAT NIGHT

  TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY RUBY

  AMB
ER

  LOVE

  LIKE OLD TIMES

  THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE

  FINAL LESSONS

  BACK AT SCHOOL

  STRANGERS

  LYING

  ANXIETY 2

  DAD

  NOT READY FOR CHANGE

  MAKING PLANS

  WHEN

  BULLYING

  CAUGHT OUT

  FIRST COMPETITION OF THE SEASON

  WARM-UPS

  FOCUS

  THE RACE 1

  MORTIFIED

  MAKING AMENDS

  HARPREET’S WEDDING

  A NOTE

  SELF-LEARNING

  A SECOND CHANCE

  SUCCESS

  NERVES 1

  NERVES 2

  NERVES 3

  LOVE IS IN THE AIR

  TENSION

  SEEN

  HE SAYS

  TEMPLE

  FEAR

  CONSUMED

  FIGHT BACK

  FIGHTING BACK

  UNDESERVING

  ICELAND LEAFLET

  MUM

  DAD’S BACK 4

  REBEL

  SEVEN: OVERTHROW ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 7

  STANDING STRONG

  PACKING OUR BAGS

  A BARRIER

  LETTING GO

  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU …

  CHANGE WITHOUT CHANGE

  DRIVING AWAY

  THE DRIVE

  A NEW HOME

  PANIC ATTACK

  THE LIE

  FRIENDS

  SLEEPLESS NIGHT AMBER

  MUM

  RUBY

  EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES

  FAIL

  BUNKING OFF SCHOOL

  NEW ROUTINES

  PARK RUNS

  PLANTING SEEDS

  COUNSELLING SESSION 1

  IS IT TOO LATE?

  DAD

  CONFLICTED

  A VACANCY

  RUBY HAS TAKEN

  FINALS

  NEW BEGINNINGS

  COUNSELLING SESSION 2

  WHAT I TALK ABOUT

  SECRETS

  NORMAL

  RUBY AND MUM

  JAS

  A NEW BEDROOM

  A NEW DAY

  RUBY AND JAS

  COUNSELLING SESSION 3

  STARTING TO UNDERSTAND

  SEEING DAD

  UCAS FORMS

  7TH MAY LOOMS

  UNSUCCESSFUL

  MACKIE D’S

  7TH MAY

  I RUN

  CHOSEN

  CELEBRATIONS

  WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD?

  CORRECTION

  RUBY’S TRUTH

  PROGRESS

  CHECKING UP

  HIDDEN POTENTIAL

  COUNSELLING WITH GEMMA

  UNIVERSITY

  NEW HOME

  EIGHT: PEACE ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 8

  HEADSPACE

  READING

  A NEW MUM

  INNER STRUGGLE

  OLD FEARS

  PROUD

  HOUSE-WARMING

  THE BOY

  LONDON!

  FIRST KISS

  BREATHING

  THE RACE 2

  DEAR MR WALKER

  EPILOGUE

  AUTHOR Q&A

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Manjeet is an actress, playwright, screenwriter and director. She is the founder of Run The World – an organization that works with women and girls from marginalized backgrounds and helps to empower them through sport and storytelling. She lives in Kent.

  For

  Joe

  and

  all the women and girls who dare to rebel

  A wound.

  Triggered

  by a beating.

  It grew.

  Thriving

  on neglect.

  It swelled.

  Flourishing

  on her spine.

  When ripe,

  a clotted

  blister.

  It.

  Crippled.

  Her.

  Weighing down

  on her

  too-small

  frame

  for her

  adolescent age.

  My. Mother.

  Sat

  hunchback,

  working.

  Silent.

  Ignored and ignoring

  pins of

  prickly pain pulsing.

  What’s wrong with your daughter?

  a neighbour asked.

  She’s not

  sitting or standing upright?

  It’s been weeks.

  My grandmother

  looked at

  my mother

  as if she were

  observing her

  for the first time.

  My grandmother

  fell

  to

  the

  floor.

  Crumpled like a sheet

  falling from

  a washing line,

  my mother tells me.

  Slumped

  on the back

  of a motorbike,

  my mother travelled

  along dusty dirt tracks,

  through several Indian villages

  to the nearest hospital.

  The poison

  drained.

  The rotten flesh

  carved,

  gouged,

  burrowed

  out.

  My mother

  concealed her

  anger.

  Her mother

  showed no

  remorse.

  The wound –

  now

  a scar.

  The size

  of a fist.

  A crater

  buried between

  shoulder blades.

  It is the curse of being a girl,

  my mother tells me.

  You are the property of your

  parents, husband, brothers.

  You endure,

  never question it.

  I question it.

  RESTLESSNESS

  People feel restless.

  Held down by

  restrictions,

  forced to

  accept

  less.

  Preparing to fight,

  accepting all

  they will

  lose.

  Built-in fear

  of our families,

  the community,

  we are observed

  through the gaze of others.

  Socialized into tracking each other.

  Friends, neighbours, family.

  Is she where she should be?

  Should she be out this late?

  Who is that she’s walking with?

  Watching.

  Monitoring

  and dying to get out.

  Bewakoof.

  The Punjabi word for

  stupid.

  I.

  Am.

  Stupid.

  Nikame.

  The Punjabi word for

  useless.

  I.

  Am.

  Useless.

  My name is

  Amber Rai.

  Amber.

  The stone of

  courage.

  The soul

  of a

  tiger.

  Rai,

  from the Sanskrit raja.

  A title of honour.

  A leader.

  A king.

  A chief.

  But

  at home

  I am

  stupid

  and

  I am

  useless.

  No one wanted my mother.

  No one wanted her mother,

  and no one wanted her mother.

  It goes on and on

  now and

  way back then.

  No one wanted Ruby.

  No one wanted me. />
  My sister Ruby and I

  have heard

  the stories.

  The sadness that

  cloaked

  our births.

  The prayers

  and temple visits,

  wishing,

  wishing

  we would come out

  as boys.

  So we are born

  in all our

  feminine form

  and reminded

  of our

  burden

  every day.

  We are obedient.

  We are small.

  We are quiet.

  To prove

  we are

  not

  a burden.

  We are still reminded

  that we are a

  burden.

  It eats away at you.

  If girls are never wanted,

  how do you expect

  to get

  your

  precious

  little

  boy?

  No matter how small or quiet I am expected to be,

  I find my voice on the running track. It’s where I’m truly alive.

  Words boomerang from trainer to tarmac. Creating

  ripples in every corner of my body until all

  knock-downs, run-ins, face-offs and scraps

  have been twisted wrung exhausted

  up

  up

  and released up

  into the clouds and sky above.

  So simple. To run.

  A professional athlete.

  It’s a stupid dream.

  Ruby’s dreams were crushed.

  She was overpowered, tamed.

  She chose not to fight.

  Mum must have had dreams.

  She’s never spoken of them.

  Must be too painful.

  Dad sleep-talks his dreams.

  They keep us awake at night.

  Dreams trapped in nightmares.

  Home

  is not

  where my

  heart is.

  Freedom

  usually comes

  at a

  price.

  I am restless,

  my feet

  need to fly.

  It’s only

  a matter

  of time.

  Correction.

  I fear

  it’s only

  a matter

  of

  time.

  I leave for school earlier than usual.

  Meeting with Tara and David at our secret place.

  My stomach doing flips holding in – excitement.

  Not seeing them over the summer makes holidays – unbearable.

  Correction.

  Not seeing David over the summer makes holidays

  HELL ON EARTH.

  I turn out of my estate, take in the tree-lined street that surrounds

  me and leave the looming high-rises behind.

  Palm Wood Estate

  is one of the roughest

  and biggest estates

  in the country.

  Streets in the sky dreams

  turned to

  sinkhole nightmares.